Erase and Rewrite.

For months now, I've never felt so much life in me. I'm coping with a loss that is so unbearable that there are times when I just stare blankly to the ceiling. I'm paralyzed. A man with self-inflicted catatonia and lives only for bread. I was so sorry for the both of us. I messed up big time, and it's just sometimes impossible to think of doing anything. Grief. Guilt. They have became my friends for a little while. And they're not so good companions. Last night was the time that I felt warmth again. Her skin,hair,face,and her lips. I love them right from the start. She's my own brand of coke. The anti-venom. It has been a while since I've felt that kind of emotion. And I'm still addicted. It never changed. And it's more than a relapse. I'm hooked from the beginning until I die. I love you so much.

In this hard life,you must be equiped with killer instincts,code of conduct, and "diskarte". It's amazing on how I realized that I''m coping up so far with the rules that I have.

1. Stay out of complications
Well,who does want to have the hard things coming,right? I always weigh the options first,then proceed with a concrete decision.

2. Planning ahead
No successful event,military victory,financial expedites,or person that never planned carefully. Planning is a good thing because when all else fails, you still have a big drawing board.

3. Knowing my assets
Whether it's tangible(money,materials) or intangible(abilities,skills), it's a good thing that I've been trained early on how to use them.

4.Discipline
This is the most overlooked value in our society today. No wonder why most Filipinos are average or below in many standards.

5.Value for hard work and money
I've seen our family's ups and downs. We lost our business,dad unemployed,mom's the sole bread. I wouldn't do that to my wife. A man is the hunter and gatherer. Not a beer drinker and slacker.

6. Skepticism
Well,most people that knows me finds how amusing I can pull this negative trait off. Whatever it is to them,that's what I don't understand.

7.Insecurity
"Insecurity breeds greatness. To get to the top of anything today,you really have to make a superhuman effort. You won't ever find an achiever anywhere who wasn't or isn't motivated at least partially by a sense of insecurity." -Ted Turner

Well,if you know the man,you'd probably agree with me.

8.Integrity
Being über honest can take you a long way. Trust me.

I nearly lost hope. I did. I never really thought that we'd be somehow back piece by piece. I'm kinda tired. Tired of my old self. This time, I'll do the things that I feel will be our salvation. I'm more than willing to make sacrifices than ever. I love her and I somehow feel that she misses me too. Looking back, I was really a mess to her. I'm going through a lot of things and I really need her companionship. She brings out the best in me. I always wanted to be better because of her. It's because of her love for me. I don't know if I can make you go back, but one things is for sure: I cannot let you go.

I nearly lost hope. I did. I never really thought that we'd be somehow back piece by piece. I'm kinda tired. Tired of my old self. This time, I'll do the things that I feel will be our salvation. I'm more than willing to make sacrifices than ever. I love her and I somehow feel that she misses me too. Looking back, I was really a mess to her. I'm going through a lot of things and I really need her companionship. She brings out the best in me. I always wanted to be better because of her. It's because of her love for me. I don't know if I can make you go back, but one things is for sure: I cannot let you go.

I wanted to celebrate right now. I want to eat my favorite ice cream flavor, Cookies and Cream. But I have to pass because of the calories. I may sound like a pussy, but I'd rather be than waste my efforts losing almost 20 lbs. and bringing my waistline back to 30".

I want to celebrate not because I'm happy. I want to because I did good in my work today. I was so pleased with myself I need to have a reward.

I miss you. But I'm too scared to call or text you. I know you've drifted away. Some place that I don't know where you've gone. With whom or someone. I don't know.

You're now gone.

I'm sorry if I couldn't make things right with you. It's not that I'm not worthy or something like that. But,maybe,it's because of you too.

I did and said things that have hurt you. I'm so sorry but you don't want to.

I miss you so much. And up to now,it's still you that I feel.

I'm so sorry. I hope you could hear me.

Here's a list of people that is definitely not in my "Cool" list:

1. Social Climbers. Say what you want to say. But troops like these are the most annoying persons you can ever be with. Stop pretending, start living.

2. Car-huggin' Mama's boys. So,you drive a Honda? Chicks dig you. Fine. But just make sure you have your own gas money and toll fee. Whew.

3. Married or commited persons doin' swingin'. Three words: Burn in hell.

4. Boxing and Fight commentators/critics without any experience in combat or physical sports at all. This is funny. I was watching ABS-CBN sports one time and NBA playoffs finals are to be aired. I was so annoyed by this "NBA Expert" that they have as a guest. Well, this hotshot is probably a pro,but maybe in Java programming or some sort of high-level Trigonometry. Dude, you're a fat,geek,pure-Pinoy IT employee. How the fuck happened that you're an NBA expert? It's called D-E-L-U-S-I-O-N. And the same goes for the skinny,chink,lawyer who always critic's Manny Pacquiao's fights. Oh,c'mon.

4. Nazi Germans. Well, if there are still some, I hate you.

5. Persons who feel they're hot and popular with all of your cool friends and the places you hang out and all those stuff that you wear. Hell. No shit. Especially when you go home and look at the mirror to tell how cool you are, when in fact you're fat and you can just crack cool jokes. You have an ironic life. Sleep on it.

It was really hard. I don't really feel good about everything. It's kinda being a fuckin' stuck up with this heavy feeling of grief. It's over now and I'm really finding it hard to pick up the pieces. I feel weak. I miss working out. But I'm too weak even to pull myself up from bed. It's just so stupid how I did those things. All the temper and impulse that I bled away is all making a heavy come back. How insensitive I am. How careless my actions are. How sorry I feel for her. I'm a big mess coming in to your life. I should've trusted you and listened to you. I lost my bestfriend. I lost my only companion. But most of all, I lost my better half. Now, it seems that I'm on the verge of losing my self. I never knew your pain 'cause I'm too afraid too ask and too selfish to care. How I wish I could do that. But I'm weak in some parts. I did see and felt that you've become better, but I'm really terrified everytime

You're always that someone to me but I never did find out why I cannot make things right with you. I really love you but sometimes it's obvious that I cannot understand you. I've always been wrong with my assumptions and never proved anything against you. I'm just a big asshole with trust issues. No matter how sorry I am, no matter how many times I say it,it won't do anything now. You've been so good to me and I never did see the hidden signs you're giving that you still love me and want me back. And I wasted it all with a wrong assumption and burst of emotion. I broke your heart many times and maybe you are right to give up and let go. I've never been a better man for you. I've never seen the good that you do. I'm just a selfish prick who thinks for himself alone. I'm so sorry for the things that I did and for the things that I didn't. You could be happy and better without a bitter person like me. You called me crazy,it's fine. Because I really don't know what to do with this miserable life of mine. Without you,I'm nothing. You and me,will be painstaking. So,I'm willing to risk losing you and losing myself. I can't seem to make things right,we I'll see how if things got wrong for me. So live your life as best as you can be without someone like me.


I'm sorry. I really do.

I don't know if you'll ever forgive me.

I've never done anything right.

I love you so much.

But I know it won't do.

Sky Cable has two new channels which is pretty awesome. I found this new "Kix" channel cool 'cause it shows totally manly shows and programs. It just happened that right now,I'm watching a movie about Muhammad Ali "We Were Kings" and I this movie is all about Afro-Americans. Well,pretty cool for a guy who digs history. Well,I'm not making any heavy points today. It's just that it's a great movie. Got to go and sleep.

Last night, Bebs and I had a serious conversation regarding our relationship and me. We broke up about 4 months ago because of me. I don't want to talk about why because I really feel ashamed about it. If I could just hit my face with a rock in front of her just to tell her that I really regret that day when we broke up. I'm the most stupid person that I ever know when it comes to dealing with other people's feelings. I do have a hard time grasping other people's emotions. It's not that I don't care. But sometimes I really don't understand. The only thing that I rely on is my sometimes ill-logic thoughts and anger. I've hurt her so much. So much that I want to turn my back and run but I really can't because I always have her with me. It is so ironic that I have answers and resolve on many things,but the only thing that I could not make right is with her. I pity her so much. She had done many things but those are being driven out by my temper. I'm such a dick. I feel so bad about myself on how I badly treated her. She is the only person who can see through me and understands me and I failed to see that. I wish that a fuckin' golf ball hit my head and knock some good sense in me. I can't stand seeing her because of how big chunk of an ass I am. I'm a good for nothing partner. I'm just a fuckin' cash cow with brains and muscle. A fool who never learned about other people's feelings.

Putangina. Biglang nag-brownout at nagising ako. Minsan talaga,aminado naman ako na mainitin ang ulo ko. Galing ako sa magdamag na trabaho at kailangan ko ng tulog tapos biglang nag-brownout. Sinubukan ko ulit matulog pero hindi na kinaya dahil sa init. Naisipan kong tumawag sa Call Center ng Meralco. Usually,dati, talagang grabe ako magsalita sa mga Rep sa pagco-complain. Nakita ako nung kapatid ko na dumial at medyo nakatunog na siya sa gagawin ko.

"Welcome to Meralco. My name is Hazel. How can I help you today?", bati ng Rep.

Sabi ko naman,"Walang kuryente dito sa Muntinlupa. Ano nangyari?"

"Sir,we do have reports about a sudden power interruption in your area. But we are now checking it."

"Gaano katagal bago bumalik yung kuryente?"

"Actually,we don't have a definite..."

"Okay,okay,Hazel?"

"Yes,Sir?"

"It seems like I know the answer to your question. Hell,I'm speaking in Tagalog but still you're answering back in English. Can I speak to your supervisor?"

"Sir,But..."

"Hazel, I need a supervisor."

"Okay,Sir. Mababalik po yun..."

"SUPERVISOR!"

"Pero,Sir.."

"O,ba't ngayon nagta-Tagalog ka na? Give me your supervisor and I want you fired."

"Sir..."

Hahahaha! Binaba nung Rep yung phone. What I did actually is some kind of test. Well, she did sound calm, but she didn't actually did the right thing. Nakakatuwa at may napulot ako. Some people really break or boil, but in the end, you still have to do the right thing. The Meralco Rep didn't took it as a personal blow,but she obviously displayed attitude during that call. Wala lang. Napansin ko lang na iba talaga ang training at culture ng isang BPO company. Kaya pala mahirap makapasok sa CVG sabi ng iba.

Just woke up from a lengthy sleep. Missed my workout,missed my time with her. I just found out that sleeping for more than 9 hours isn't good too. I feel weak and tired right now. God damned paycheck. Anyway,I don't want to talk about that today. This blog for today is all about gratitude.

I want to say "Thank you" to the following people who currently made news to me so far.

Mr. Roberto Palevino. Former activist,SBAA Chairman,part-time stand-up comedian. Thanks for sharing a lot of things when I was back in college. Most of them are realistic,practical,eye-opener,and most of all you gave them all with free jokes. I've never met someone with a brilliant mind and so many fantastic opinions and knowledge.

Randy. Bodybuilder,gym instructor,rumored Bi. Thank you and FUCK YOU. You called me fat the last time I went to your gym. Even though I bench pressed 150 lbs. and nailed 5 sit-up exercises. Fuck you. You don't have the right to bring people down because you just think you're awesome with all your Pecs and Glutes. Well,yeah,the universe doesn't care about you. But,hey,thank you very much,Randy. You mocked me so hard,my sixpack got angry and now it's starting to show. And by the way,I'm sorry about the punching bag last time. I just need a little sweat with my Taekwondo skills,that's why it was ripped apart.

Tito Owen Pendon. Engineer,basketball enthusiast,"The unknown coolness" factor. Thanks for last Sunday,that sure was a wake-up call. Thanks for telling me how good I am in many things and I could be better with more experience. Yes,I will be. I've learned a lot from you that day. We also raptured two boxes of pizza. Well,we ordered 11 anyway. No wonder why no one got angry. Hahahaha.

Bebs. I know it's too cheesy to write about you here. But,Thank you. And I mean it. I know you won't read this. But if you did. Just ask me why. 42.

It's been 2 months and counting since I've last opened my Facebook. Wala lang. It's just that I realized that there's nothing really much to do in that Social Networking site, and besides I'm not that of a "sociable" kind. I think I should be back at writing blogs again because, writing, or in this case blogging, is another form of release. Ang kulit eh, sa trabaho ko ngayon, salita ka ng salita, then when I come home I really chose not to talk a lot because I really am tired of talking. But my mind doesn't want me to, so instead, I'll write (or type) the things that occupies me for the moment. Para sa mga iteresado magbasa or kung may makakabasa, matagal na akong nagba-blog. I was actually influenced by Pete Wentz and Justin Halpern in some ways, but I've created a style of my own. This time, I'm gonna try something new and I'd alot time to write and reflect on my thoughts. 

So here I am, beating my nerves out playing "Left 4 Dead 2". There is no such thing as "art" in what I'm doing. I hoped for a summer job in this government office but I was denied because of my Mom's ITR. Anyways, I just got bored from playing and took a little time off to calm myself from the gore, blood, and zombie brains that I've just shot, in the game, that is. 

Good luck,2010. It's gonna be a day especially when I'm gonna be spending the rest of my birthday in a precint. Laugh. Speculations and propagandas will be banished after 48 hours right after. Jokes in. Jokes out. Thanks for the jingles, the naysay inspirations, and the thrash that we will burn after you guys fought for.

You're so beautiful and just by looking at you makes my nerves fire million dozes of endorphins beneath my skull. From good mornings to good nights, you are always one gorgeous sculpture if you know what I mean. It's always good to be around with you. How we laugh at things, cry at some moments, and share our lives almost every second, everything seemed to be priceless. The only bad thing is that I can't eat chicken liver with you and you know you have to live with that. We're perfect. Virtually. Honest. I couldn't just think of anything else and any more. Last Friday was our anniversary, and you we're so happy and so I was. The look on your face that night was a first for me. I'm so glad that there's really no signs of stopping for us. Five cheers for us,babe. Lot's o' love.

Bow.

1521, dumating ang mga Kastila, sinakop nila tayo dahil watak-watak ang mga sinaunang Pinoy. Chamba naman na nag-away ang dalawang baranggay sa Cebu noon. Ang baranggay Lapu-Lapu,Inc. at ang mga Cullens (joke). Kunwari lang paastig ang Pinoy noon kaya sumikat si Lapu-Lapu,hindi naman siya ang nakapatay mismo kay Ferdinand Magellan ayon sa crime scene investigation at hindi din naman napigilan ang Spanish invasion. Politika na noon pa 'di ba?

3 pari ang binitay; Gomez, Burgos, Zamora. Bakit? Kasi sangkot daw sila sa rebelyon. Pero chika lang yun kasi ang totoo noon, ayaw lang pasapaw ng mga Kastilang prayle.

Wag kayong ma-confuse kay Aguinaldo at Bonifacio. Mas magaling talaga na leader si Pareng Emilio kaysa kay Pareng Andres. Wala pa mang PMA noon, eh tactician na talaga si Aguinaldo. Si Pareng Andres, according to some credible sources, ay walang naipanalong laban. Pero okay lang yun, at least sikat siya sa pagpunit ng kapirasong papel na nagsasabing "Hoy,gago! Eto ang ITR mo! Magbayad ka para may magawa ang gobyerno mo sa bayan!". Yun nga lang pinapatay din siya sa huli ni Aguinaldo. Tsk.

1896 ng barilin si preppy boy Jose Rizal sa Bagumbayan. Treason at Rebellion ang kaso niya. Galit ang mga Honchos dahil may nag-exploit ng "Hello,Garci" nila.

1898. Malaya na raw ang Pilipinas under the Spanish rule. Pero ang totoo noon, Spanish-American war na. Sinuko lang tayo ng mga Kastila sa mga Amerikano,danyos lang sa mga atraso nila sa Kano kumbaga. (Bayad sa atraso? Isang buong colony? Big time.)  Parang mina-manipulate lang nila ang mga Pinoy noon na talagang may democracy na. Dun lang talaga magaling ang mga Kano, ang mang-manipula. Pero okay lang din yun. Hindi man uso ang iPod, Jonas brothers at Kentucky Fried Chicken noon, eh lumakas naman ang militar natin at nagkaron ng libreng education ang bawat Pilipino.

Teka, ba't ko nga ba sinusulat 'to? Wala lang kasi naisip ko lang. Wala lang kasi naiinip lang ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Hindi ko alam kung paano. Basta feel ko lang magdaldal. Gusto ko lang may mapagpatayan ng oras.

Mag-eelection na sa Mayo.

Sino ang iboboto mo?

Maging wise sa pagboto. Hindi lahat nadadaan sa Ad. Hindi lahat ng nakikita o naririnig mo totoo.

Propaganda ang iba, karamihan pampering at pagbubuhat ng bangkuan nila, ang iba naman literal na bumibili ng boto.

Ewan ko nga ba kung ba't ko nasasabi 'to. Gutom o antok. Ewan ko.

Wala namang masama sa pagpili, kung mamimili ka na lang din, eh yung sa siguradong makabubuti sa lahat na.

Sayang ang boto. Maraming kapalaran ang pwedeng mag-iba. Mo. Nila. Tayo.

Isipin mo ang kinabukasan at hinaharap mo sa magiging kamay na maglilingkod sa bayan mo.

Sa mga anak mo at anak ng karamihan. Isama mo sila sa boto mo. Ang makabubuti sa kanila ang isulat mo.

Nagpaluto na ako ng almusal sa kasambahay namin. Hotdog and Eggs.

Gutom na ako.